and it happened again…
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2009
a not-so merry christmas after all
I had the best memories of my previous Christmases as this was my favorite time of the year.
I can vividly recall our usual Christmas day routine, our traditional early morning mass, our whole day family get together in our house, with the whole clan laughing, munching on our most awaited and prepared menu and the piles of gifts given and delivered from family friends, relatives abroad and close friends I was so excited to open.
As I was growing up, I usually look forward to the month of December. I can clearly remember the color-themed house since I was in Grade 2. Red, green, gold, silver which later became bronze, orange and the not so traditional color. This time it was red and silver for the reason I don’t want to ask anymore.
And the most exciting part, buying gifts for my parents, siblings, relatives, close friends and special friends. I usually took time to recall the names, thinking what to give, shop earlier than usual. This time I was so impersonal and obligated. I went to wrestle, pick anything I can give without thinking, I was impulsive. I am not excited anymore.
I so miss my home, my blue-colored room, my bed…..as i failed to come home for almost 5 months as I was trying to avoid family conflicts which escalated recently.
I planned to spend the Christmas away from home, alone in my room in the metro. This is the first time I get to spend Christmas eve at the hospital. There’s nothing I can do, as always: duty calls.
And yes, I will whine and rant again. I went to the hospital 6:30 in the morning. It was the 24th of December. I was to scrub in for another surgical re-opening, to a long operation which I know would would be tiring, intense and veins popping. I finished after 6 hours, hungry, tired and restless.
I took my lunch, and the fried chicken from the nearby fastfood chain didn’t fail to brighten me up.
Since it was a not-so-busy afternoon, I went out of the hospital even if I’m not allowed to. I managed to break the rules just to meet a dear friend whose having a rough time. It was a promise, and he didn’t fail to show up. He called, saying weird things I can’t understand. He looked tired and wasted, it was as if he did not sleep for days. He appeared thinner than the last time I saw him. I can’t help but think of what was really going on. We talked, he’s still the same, it was painful, it was revealing. I felt the sincerity, the person I got to know for almost 3 months. This time his usual frolic I can’t feel anymore. I’ve been trying to offer help but I felt the rejection, the resistance.I can see through his soul, the sadness, I felt within…..I felt guilty as I can’t offer any help, I can’t do anything to ease the pain. It was out of control. I don’t know what to do.Earlier on, December 18, 2009. Someone texted me, and I was shocked, bothered, rattled.I asked for an explanation, but to no avail. This time I took the chance to know the real deal, and I believed him.
This time I know and I felt, it’s time to take my chances, risk again, lay down my cards. Its too hard pretending. He was still the same person that I used to know. He convinced me to go home and spend Christmas with my family. It was a good advice coming from a good soul.
This was a really a year for me, it was worth remembering. The most special days of this year I can’t forget, for the rest of my life or if I’m still alive, breathing, enduring.
Now I keep on questioning: the force of nature has a way of getting the best of me. I had the saddest birthday, now I’m having the saddest Christmas. What else is coming the saddest New Year? Maybe.
I don’t know what to do anymore. As emotions are raging inside of me. As reason and feelings are coming on collision head on.
I always choose the road less traveled, the most enduring, the longest course, the roughest.
I still believe in the goodness of people.
I still chose to stick and stand by the person I used to know. You just have to accept the gift given to you, not knowing what’s inside the package, beyond the colorful cover, the dainty ribbon. It is not the cover that we usually look forward to, it is what’s inside.
I don’t know where to go now and how to go on with my life again.
Why do I always feel the pain? Why do I keep losing?
Am I not giving? Am I selfish? Am I ruthless?
I am honest. I am sincere. That I am sure of.
If you can fake sincerity, then you can fake pretty much anything. That I cannot do.
I shouldn’t have tried to open my doors, to open up my soul.
If breathing is voluntary, then I would voluntary stop gasping for air, for dear life. Life is being cruel to me now. Maybe there’s a reason why do I need to know things, to discover things even if I don’t want to know them.
I dont know now if I can still see some flicker of hope. I can’t see what’s beyond.
(I know this is disorganize, chaotic, non-coherent. Random thoughts from a tired soul.)
